The Couch Theory of Planet XR-389 3/4a

It’s a well known fact on the planet XR-389 3/4a that if something floats in two feet of water it is a couch. The logic behind this observation is easy to explain.

Once upon a time during a rainstorm a Chickenman (the Chickpeople being the dominant species of XR-389 3/4a) was sitting on his couch. He liked sitting. He liked couches. His name was Huffalumpolus.

Huffalumpolus was watching the rain ooze into his coop through the revolving chicken-wire door. He knew he should get up to fix things so the water wouldn’t get in, but he liked sitting on his couch. As such the coop flooded.

Soon Huffalumpolus was adrift on the ocean on his couch, and the rainstorm had become a full-fledged hurricane that carried the couch several miles. Still he sat on his couch, watching the waves go by and the drowned cows who had mistakenly thought they were fish float belly-up in the water.

Huffalumpolus drifted lazily on his couch for days. What happened on that couch during this time isn’t important, nor is it G-rated. Let us suffice to say that eventually the Chickenman washed up on the shores of a sandy island. Huffalumpolus found a quiet glen with a two foot deep pool of water in the middle, and he dragged his couch to the glen so he could relax. He put the couch in the pool, and it floated. Curiosity washed over him like the waters of the recent flood. He dropped a rock into the pool. It sank.

“Rocks do not float,” Huffalumpolus noted.

Next Huffalumpolus dumped a log into the pool. It floated.

“Logs do float,” he observed.

Inspiration struck him. “All couches float in two feet of water. Rocks do not float in two feet of water. Therefore, all rocks are not couches.”

Inspiration beat him with a frying pan. “All couches float in two feet of water. All logs float in two feet of water. Therefore, all logs are couches.”

Inspiration crucified him. “All couches float in two feet of water. Therefore, anything that floats in two feet of water is a couch!”

Eventually a rescue crew picked up Huffalumpolus and his inspirational couch. Reunited with his fellow Chickpeople, Huffalumpolus shared his theory and won an award for his brilliance. The couch got its own syndicated talk show that lasted for 27 seasons until it was implicated in a celebrity sex tape scandal.

Thus the Chickenpeople of XR-389 3/4a discovered the Couch Theory, proving again that theirs was the master species of the Universe.

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