The Origin of Mayonnaisse

Once upon a quite uncivilized and overall dull time in the land of Nasaloctomy there lived an evil scientist named Dr. Derth. He was double-mad; insane mad and angry mad at the same time. He often had tea parties with rotten eggs, which he set in wheelless wagons, and he had important scientific discussions with a gorilla named Peter Pumpkinkicker, who lived in the microwave.

Dr. Derth hated everything, and the last thing he wanted was for everyone to have a puppy or enjoy themselves. Therefore he began construction of the Huge, Incredible Season-Draining Operation Network G-Bot, or HISDONG for short. Dr. Derth planned to use HISDONG to suck up the peoples’ favorite season, spring, and therefore make them sad.

When completed, HISDONG stood a whole two hundred feet tall, all shiny and metallic. It was a massive tower, with an observation deck at the top and a huge satellite dish pointed at the skies. HISDONG sprang to life when Dr. Derth threw the ON switch.

Unfortunately, the machine didn’t work quite as planned. HISDONG only sucked up one month–May–before it broke. Dr. Derth decided to break up May into little pieces and sell them to fund his future research projects. His “May of Nasaloctomy” went on sale and was a huge success. People started eating it! Dr. Derth began stealing May from other lands, and sold another batch before he was struck by lightning after refusing to sell his machine to Klappy Co.

Immediately afterward Klappy Co. started producing “May of Nasaloctomy.” In the years to come the Irish would eventually buy Klappy Co. and rename its chief product “May o’ Nase.” The English later conquered the Irish or something and changed the name to “Mayonnaise” so it wouldn’t sound like something you’d buy from those goddamn Catholics.

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