Everything I Need To Know I Learned From Playing Battle-Golf

There is only one game which is played by the residents of the planet Footballmania II, and that game is golf. Now this may sound “totally lame” or “indubitably awesome” depending on your perspective, but keep in mind that the kind of golf played on this planet is not a thing like Earth’s golf. Footballmania II is home to Battle-Golf.

As a matter of fact, Battle-Golf is the only thing people on this planet ever do. The rules are as follows:

You have a few clubs, usually covered with spikes and flame decals, and a small ball filled with gun powder and liquid nitrogen. The first object of the game is to hit the ball–after having lit the fuse, of course–before it can explode. If the ball blows up before the player can send it flying, s/he loses the game and generally some limbs as well.

Once the ball is flying it will explode in mid-air. The fuse is much too short for the ball to ever hit the ground. The next ball is set in the middle of the resulting crater, and the entire process repeats itself.

The goal of the game is to get the ball into a small hole, but no one has ever accomplished this feat in the history of the game. (Some fans argue that Jaorbe Wolriegez managed to sink a putt in the 832nd Internationals, but others say that even if the ball did go in the hole the entire green was blown to pieces and Jaorbe Wolriegez with it so it’s really too hard to know for sure.) Most games of Battle-Golf devolve into contestants lighting the fuses on their balls and lobbing them at each other or beating each other to death with the spiked clubs they use. The game is over when everyone is dead, bored or too injured to continue maiming other players.

This is a very violent game to say the least. The Footballmania II Academic Group created a list of life lessons that young people learn from playing Battle-Golf in order to ease the minds of concerned parents. The list is as follows:

1. Always get rid of objects which are about to explode.
2. Carry many objects if you expect to lose a few of them to explosions.
3. Prosthetic limbs are cheap on a frequent buyer program.
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