By the end of work most days, I want to put my fist through a wall.
I’m angry all the time recently. Not at the right stuff, and not the productive, righteous kind of anger. I feel so far off the path I’ve been trying to walk the past few years at this point. It’s frustrating as hell, and of course the frustration just compounds the issue. This isn’t anything new–it’s a problem that has come and gone throughout my life. It’s not the kind of anger that would ever make me harm anyone either. I don’t believe in the initiation of the use of force, and I sure as hell don’t believe in taking out your frustrations through violence against innocent people (though I will kick the shit out of stationary inanimate objects). And it’s not a rage focused on any specific target. I’ll curse the town I live in and humanity at large when I’m mad, but neither is the cause of my fury, and truth be told I’m still immeasurably fond of both the rest of the time. I’m just mad, and there’s no rhyme or reason to the feeling.
At the same time, I’m on this program of “Physician, heal thyself.” My major drive in life is to save the world, basically, but I realized a while back that I can’t do a damn thing for others until I take care of myself, and I’d been ignoring myself in important ways for pretty much my entire adult life. That includes my bodily health. My sinuses were a problem, but it was beyond that–I had some majorly fucked up mental blocks in there. For one, looking back, ever since I had my oral surgery when I was 18, I think there’s been some demon in my head that thought I was going to come apart someday (I know, nuts), so I’ve been holding everything in. And I mean everything–emotions, physical sensations, even bodily gases and fluids. I have been emotionally, physically and psychologically constipated for over a decade, and it’s probably why I had become so numb for a while. One thing I came to understand the past few years is that there’s no real distinction between the psychological, the physiological and the spiritual. The separation between them is all in our heads. Learning to let go and feel again has been a big part of my journey the past couple years.
The past few years I had a lot of eye-opening, mind-expanding experiences that gave me a sense of my part in the grand mish-mash of the cosmos, and for a while there I had developed this laughing Buddha, shamanaic sense of humor about life, the universe and everything. But the spiritual side of things has always been easy for me. It’s more the day to day stuff that’s hard for me. I naturally rebel against structure of any kind. It’s hard for me to keep a job, keep a place, that sort of thing. When I have to do the same thing every day, for weeks and months on end, I start to boil over and lash out. It’s a huge weakness and one I’ve been trying to work on the past years. And I’ve made progress, but it’s come at the cost of other things, including parts of myself that I valued and progress along other lines that felt like it was going somewhere. I’m getting the basic day to day stuff in order, which is sadly a kind of progress for me, but holy crap has that meant everything else comes to a standstill. I still don’t have a book written. I’ve completely dropped out of any kind of activism. It’s been a long while since I did anything weird in public (or at least anything weirder than normal for me). I haven’t had a girlfriend in a year now. Truth is, I don’t feel like I have a life anymore. I feel trapped.
I really don’t know where I am at this point. Am I getting better? Am I making progress? Or have I found a new way to get stuck? I think I’m getting better. I’m certainly feeling like an “adult” at long last, at least in some ways, though truth is some days I still feel like I’m waiting for someone to give me permission instead of seizing life by the hair and fucking it into submission the way I should, the way I want to deep down. I feel like I’ve been socialized to hold back, to wait, to be quiet, to not do anything worth doing. And for a while I was breaking out of that… and now I find myself back in the same box. Frustrating. But at the same time I feel like if I did get myself motivated again, I would be that much stronger because of the last year’s worth of montage-sequence bullshit.
All I really know right now is that the life I’m living has to come to an end. I have to do something different. And I have to stop being so goddamn afraid to do it for myself instead of sitting around like I’m waiting for someone to give me permission. Because as long as I keep living like this, I’m just going to be angrier and angrier every month, and I know whose fault that is. Huh. Turns out I know who I’m angry with.
Stop fucking around, self. Do something.