How to avoid becoming one of Them

Shamelessly reposted from my comment on a friend’s Facebook post about a coworker spouting conspiracy theories:

They’ve gotten to her. If you don’t act now, you’re next. Here’s what you must do:

1) Turn off and if possible unplug any and all electronic devices you come across. Radios, vending machines, cell phones, everything. When I say cell phones, I mean to include other peoples’, not just your own. If you have to be sneaky about it and dig around in strangers’ purses, so be it. You may get lucky and find something good in the process. It’s especially risky when people keep their phones in their pockets, but my suggestion if they notice you sticking your hand in there is to just smile and ask them what kind of day they’re having. That will work on anyone who isn’t already one of Them.

2) For the love of god keep your shoes on at all times, even (no, *especially*) when showering. You don’t want to know why; suffice to say the technology so defeated played a role in the Kennedy assassination and the fake second moon landing (the first one was real, though it involved time travel, but you’re not cleared for details on that yet).

3) When walking outside, remain under a cloud at all times to hide yourself from their satellite monitoring system. This will involve constantly looking up at the sky and occasionally making mad dashes for new clouds as old ones break up, so be careful not to trip or run into people. I find talking to myself loudly while walking down the street makes people move out of my way so I can keep an eye on the clouds, but your experience may vary.

4) DO NOT MAKE A HAT OUT OF TINFOIL. This will only amplify the brain control waves they are attempting to beam into your head. I prefer to construct my anti-brainwashing helmets out of salad forks, saran wrap, rubber bands and a power cord I stripped off an old vacuum cleaner. DO NOT WEAR THE HELMET WHILE SHOWERING. THAT’S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO DO.

5) When the night comes, don your helmet and overturn your couch for use as cover, then wait behind it in silence, holding the largest firearm you have access to cradled in your arms like an infant. Immediately open fire should you hear a noise coming from the other side of your front door at any time between the hours of 8 PM to 3 AM. Be warned that Their agents can shape-shift and often imitate roommates, significant others and beloved pets. Do not hesitate. Remember: THEY ARE AFTER YOUR BRAIN.

Follow these five simple steps and I guarantee They’ll never succeed in driving you as crazy as They have everyone else. You might even end up as sane as I am.

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