Even baseball’s scandals are boring

Baseball is the most boring of American professional team sports, and that’s really saying something. All professional sports exist on a spectrum of relative boringness, and I suppose we could argue over which of them is the least boring, but I’m going to have to stand firm on my contention that baseball belongs at the far end of the “Most Boring” side of the scale, probably just a tick down from competitive quilting and the annual Paint Drying Tournament Classic. There’s a reason people get drunk as soon as possible at baseball games and then leave early once they sober up.

That inescapable sense of dullness bleeds over into baseball’s big scandal. Apparently, some professional athletes have been using steroids to build muscle instead of putting in extra time at the gym. If that sentence draws neither indignation nor surprise but instead a yawn and a “So what?” from you, you’re not alone. This is a complete non-story because:

1) Baseball is really, really boring. Seriously, who cares about baseball?

2) We’re being asked to accept, if this story is supposed to be a big deal in the first place, that the government should have the right to regulateĀ  an individual’s use of steroids, which is asinine. The government shouldn’t have any say whatsoever about what people put in their own bodies. And,

3) Just to play devil’s advocate, wouldn’t baseball possibly be more entertaining (which is to say, actually entertaining, period) if more (or all) of the players were taking steroids in the first place?

Just to drive the point home, here’s a list of things I would rather watch than baseball:

– Competitive urethra sounding

– Extreme hopscotch

– The Siberian fly-swatting league

– Some poor guy taking a noisy taco shit out in the woods

C’mon, news networks. Baseball sucks. No one worth listening to on the subject gives a damn about this non-scandal. Just be a good sport and let this one die the way baseball should have died decades ago. And while you’re at it, can you find something more interesting to put on TV during Saturday afternoons? I hear there’s some excellent programs about soap bubbles dissipating.

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