How To Make A Nuclear Bomb Using Items In Your Kitchen

It’s time for some questionable facts! Remember, everything you read here is guaranteed to be absolutely true.*

Did you know a squirrel’s nuts can generate up to 7.8 kw/hr of electricity when placed in the battery slot of a remote control? It’s true!

Did you know that aardvarks have a secret sixth sense called squission? It involves the perception of tiny macromolecules responsible for making people sneeze. It’s true!

Did you know you can make a nuclear bomb out of items you may already have in your kitchen? It’s true!

Just take:
3 cups Lucky Charms cereal
1 egg white (DO NOT INCLUDE THE YOLK OR SO HELP YOU GOD)
3 oz. baking soda
24 lbs. white flour
1 set of eating utensils, including all possible permutations of forks & spoons
16 oz. instant JELL-O pudding mix (lemon)
9 D-volt batteries

Pour Lucky Charms and batteries into mixing bowl, stir and set aside. Take egg white (all yolk must be removed–this is extremely important and we are not liable for damages related to skipping this step) and pour over collection of eating utensils arranged randomly in large metal bowl. Place metal bowl in microwave and cook on high for 37 minutes; ignore sparks, electrical surges, funny smells and/or beeping from smoke detector.

Meanwhile, combine baking soda and flour in new bowl. Sprinkle JELL-O on counter and draw a pentagram in powder with your finger . Place bowl containing baking soda and flour mixture in center of pentagram and pray to UL-kar, goddess of the weak nuclear force, to imbue mixture with dark powers.

Remove metal bowl from microwave; wear plenty of lead and use tongs as bowl will be hot and potentially radioactive. Contents should have a faint neon glow. Fold Lucky Charms and batteries into metal bowl’s contents, then dump accursed baking soda and flour mixture on top. Leave room for four to six hours or until Geiger counter stops clicking. Store in lead-lined container. Nukes 4-6.

*(“Truth is subjectivity.” – Kierkegaard)

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